Supporting a Loved One in an Abusive Relationship: Dos and Don’ts
How can you be the best support for your loved one?
Watching someone you care about endure an abusive relationship can be one of the most frustrating experiences you face. Whether it's a friend, family member, or coworker, knowing how to provide the right kind of support is very important.
The complexities of abusive relationships, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, make it difficult for the victim to leave and heal. As someone on the outside, you may feel powerless or unsure of how to help. However, your support can be a lifeline for the victim if approached in the right way.
We try to cover some of the dos and don’ts of supporting a loved one in an abusive relationship and provide a few resources available to both the victim and their support network. This is not a comprehensive list, and we encourage everyone in need to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 9-1-1 for immediate assistance.
The Dos
Listen Without Judgment
Victims of abuse are often isolated by their abusers and may feel shame and misunderstood or judged by others. Offering a nonjudgmental, empathetic ear is one of the most critical things you can do. Make sure they know you are there to listen and support them, no matter what. Try to avoid offering unsolicited advice at this time as this can come across as pushy or insensitive. Instead, let them do the talking, express their fears, emotions, and experiences in their own time.
Empathetic listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and being present. Focus on acknowledging their emotions and validating their experiences, creating a safe space for open communication.
Validate Their Feelings
It’s common for victims of abuse to feel confused, ashamed, or even responsible for the abuse. Acknowledge their feelings and affirm that it’s not their fault. Reassure them that what they’re experiencing is not okay, and that their safety and well-being should be prioritized. Something as simple as “I believe you” or “You don’t deserve this” can go a long way in building trust.
Educate Yourself on Domestic Abuse
Understanding the dynamics of abuse can help you provide better support. Abusers often use manipulation, control, and fear to keep their victims trapped in the relationship, and often can manipulate families and friends as well. By educating yourself, you’ll gain insight into why your loved one may stay in the relationship despite the harm. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or local domestic violence organizations offer valuable information on the cycle of abuse, warning signs, and how to support your loved one in their specific situation.
Each abusive relationship is unique, so not only educate yourself on the nuances of domestic violence, also learn by listening to your loved one’s particular needs.
Encourage Professional Help
While your support is vital, professionals trained in domestic abuse are essential in guiding victims toward safety and healing. Encourage your loved one to seek counseling, legal advice, or support from a domestic violence advocate. Resources like the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA), developed by Document The Abuse, can be invaluable. This affidavit allows victims to document their abuse in a way that can be used in some courts if they are unable to testify or if they go missing. Suggesting professional resources shows that there are experts ready to help them, not just you.
It’s also essential to be supportive of their choice of professionals, try not to offer opinions that may differ from the experts at this time.
Respect Their Autonomy
It’s frustrating to see a loved one remain in an abusive relationship, but it’s vital to respect their autonomy and decision-making. Leaving an abusive relationship is often more complicated than it seems due to financial constraints, children, emotional ties, or fear of retribution. If you push them to leave before they’re ready, it could lead to further isolation or a breakdown in your relationship. Instead, focus on helping them feel empowered to make their own decisions, and let them know you’ll support them regardless of their timeline.
A confusing time for everyone.
Remember, your loved one’s life isn’t what they want it to be at this time. They may be moody, angry, sad, or hopeless. All of their emotions are running haphazardly and they are as confused as you are. Have patience.
The Don’ts
Don’t Blame or Criticize the Victim
It’s natural to want to understand why someone would stay in a harmful relationship, but blaming the victim is never helpful. Statements like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “You should have seen the red flags” can deepen their sense of shame. Remember, abuse is about control, and victims are often manipulated into staying. Instead of focusing on what they "should" have done, focus on how to support them going forward.
Always keep in mind that your support is needed to guide the victim to seek professional help for their safety and the safety of their children. They didn’t choose to be in an abusive relationship and should never be blamed.
Don’t Confront the Abuser
No matter how tempted you are to confront the abuser, it’s important to refrain. Doing so can escalate the violence, put your loved one in further danger, or even risk your own safety. Instead of direct confrontation, encourage your loved one to reach out to professionals who are equipped to deal with these situations safely. Law enforcement, domestic violence shelters, or restraining orders may be necessary, but it’s up to the victim to make these decisions in consultation with experts.
Don’t Try to “Fix” the Situation
As much as you want to rescue your loved one, it’s important to recognize that you can’t single-handedly fix the situation. Domestic violence is deeply complex and may involve issues of trauma, financial dependence, and coercive control. Your role is to offer support, not solutions. Empower your loved one to take steps toward their own safety and healing when they are ready, and remind them that professional help is available.
When a victim is leaving a violent relationship, they may experience heightened danger as the abuser may escalate threats or abuse in an attempt to regain control.
Don’t Expect Immediate Change
Leaving an abusive relationship is often a slow process, with victims returning to their abusers multiple times before they are able to leave for good. Understand that change won’t happen overnight, and that setbacks are part of the process. Continue to show support, and avoid expressing frustration if things don’t move as quickly as you’d like. Celebrate small victories, like when they take steps to talk to a counselor or reach out to a support group. Each step away from the abuser is an important milestone and should be celebrated.
Resources for Victims and Support Networks
National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE): Offers 24/7 support via phone or online chat for victims and their loved ones. They provide crisis intervention, safety planning, and help connecting to local services. NDVH provides a comprehensive list of local domestic violence organizations and shelters across the U.S.
Document The Abuse (DocumentTheAbuse.com): Provides tools like the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA), which helps victims document their abuse safely and effectively. This can be a crucial resource in situations where victims are afraid to speak up.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): The largest anti-sexual violence organization in the U.S., RAINN provides support and resources for those affected by sexual abuse, which often coincides with domestic violence.
Local Domestic Violence Shelters: Many communities have organizations that offer a safe space for victims of domestic abuse, as well as counseling, legal aid, and other essential services. Research your local options and have this information readily available.
Legal Aid Organizations: Victims may need legal assistance with restraining orders, custody disputes, or divorce proceedings. Direct your loved one to legal aid organizations that specialize in domestic abuse cases.
Supporting a loved one in an abusive relationship is challenging, but your support can make a world of difference. Focus on listening, validating their feelings, and empowering them to seek professional help. Avoid placing blame, confronting the abuser, or trying to control the situation. Remember that domestic abuse is complex, and the process of leaving and healing takes time.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, reach out to the available resources. You don’t have to go through this alone, and with the right support, healing is possible.
